Guess what? Everybody poops. It's true. There's not a person on the earth that doesn't. And, as one who doesn't like to poop in his pants, I use the magical device known as the "toilet," which works well in devouring my rear excretions. These fantastic devices have been around for over 100 years. Everyone should know how to use them right? Wrong.
First of all there is a toilet seat which confounds scores of men. It has two positions, up and down. Down is for pooping, and up is for boys and men to go pee pee standing up. Seems simple enough, yet every day I see these seats covered in little yellow drops. It appears a seat is too hard to move or perhaps men think they have a rifle between their legs. Well, they don't.
This all goes back the the penis, or "Pee Shooter." This is the little "NOT RIFLE," that men use to direct their stream of liquid refuse out of their bodies. In theory a well trained "Pee Sniper" could fire a precision burst and take out a foe with yellow smelly death, but that isn't how this stuff works. You see, men do not usually have a long barrel between their legs (and I have yet to see a sight for one). It's more like a fleshy silly straw with a spray nozzle. While streams can be fairly well focused, there is still some scatter. So, when you try to take a refined shot through a toilet seat, your shotgun splatter will coat the seat: and sit there waiting to moisten some poor dude's derrière.
Most who feel the intestinal urge to poo look before sitting, but if they are in distress they plop on the seat quickly only to blast away half the water with a massive disruption in the force. It is then that they notice that some dick has pissed on their ass. Not fun, pretty gross, and not acceptable. My six year old makes this mistake on occasion and The Wife and I correct it. Where are these men's parents? I think I need to have a word with them, and school them on proper potty training because their kids never learned.
-Uncle Walter
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