Here we have another Uncle Walter walk into the past with "Sewing for Men and Boys," circa 1973 from Simplicity Pattern Co., New York. While I am sure this is an excellent guide, exploring the techniques of sewing and clothing fabrication, I feel that I must focus on the styles held within. They present us with the forefront of seventies clothing culture, which we will spend the next thirty years trying to forget. Collars that reach down to nipples, plaid in places plaid should never be, and the gratuitous bow tie. Here we have three models, Token Black, Wyatt Earp, and Token White. They will lead us through our journey (with a little help from their friends).
No yearbook of fashion would be complete without a class photo. Earp is sporting the "Tailored Traditionalist" look, otherwise known as the "Cheesy Banker." Next we have Ted Bundy in "Active Casual." I am assuming that his rust-colored suit jacket is "active" in the sense that it adequately hides blood stains. The book informs us that this outfit contains sins of the seventies such as corduroy, brushed denim, and suede -- which, when combined, create an outfit of pure evil, the likes of which the world had never seen before. Token Black chimes in with "Plaid Explosion." Worn over a tan vest, this outfit is nicely rounded off with the ever fashionable bow tie, an accessory that compliments any outfit, especially when over sized and yellow. Token White decided that formal wear was too... well... formal. He has opted for a tablecloth fashioned "Sound of Music" style into a suit with a massive lapel. What other treasures do they have in store for us? Let's turn the page and see...
Our next display is fairly neutral. Sure the lapels are large, but a basic red tie is always a winner. The super-sized collar on the shirt was standard for the era. No, nothing bad h... Oh. My. God. Would you look at those pants?! They look like those awful little tiles that used to be in bathrooms. And they are in some alien color pattern that no human would every willingly choose. Were the male models really so brainless that they would wear anything?
As I recall, the movie Zoolander mentioned something about them... "They're in peak physical condition. They can gain entry to the most secure places in the world. And most important of all, models don't think for themselves. They do as they're told." Must wear horrible pants.
...MUST KILL THE PRIME MINISTER OF MALAYSIA!!
Wait, where was I? Oh, yes. It's time for some garage work.
This concerned gentleman is clearly a garage owner, as you can see from his overalls. What is that you say? These aren't overalls? They are, instead, a synthetic suede suit? Well then. Maybe he thinks he is an airplane. With collars like this, with enough speed he could take off and that propeller neckerchief should keep him aloft. At least the striped shirt adds some flair to such a monochrome outfit. Turns it into an anaglyphic masterpiece.
Token Black has fallen victim to the vomitous "Plaid Beast." Very little has escaped its fearsome attack. The bow tie was all that protected him from being decapitated by the polyester shrapnel. After that near miss, he decided to play it safe, switching to a tamer red turtleneck with grey woolen pants. He kept the plaid jacket for camouflage. Should The Beast return to spread its multi-colored lines of doom, he'll appear to have already been marked. Unfortunately he still retains a single scar; but no one should wear a white belt. Ever. Especially after Labor Day.
Oh my, it looks as if the "Plaid Beast" has struck again. This time "Shaggy" has been caught in the criss-cross crossfire. Is no one safe??? Even saddle shoes cannot protect you!
Moving on to the Nambla sponsored section of our book: Nothing says "Hey there, I'm a pedophile. Let me put my arm around your velveteen-tunic wearing plaid-adorned boy" like a pink leisure suit. Modeled here for us by "Bundy" who was good enough to step outside his comfort zone to pose with a boy.
Just in time for summer, our star presenters return for the made-for-tv special "What happens on Fire Island Stays on Fire Island." Those are probably penises on Token Black's mini-kirtle. Phallic fashion has never been so hot!
While the boys are away, the women will play. The men may be "experimenting" in the surf, but don't think that the wives are left at home pining. Not when they have tennis instructors like this. Granted he kind of looks like he'd rather be on the Island, too, but one has to pay the bills somehow, mustn't one? He's explained away his leg-shaving tendencies, not by disclosing his Saturday night turn as "Priscilla, Queen of the Court," but as a necessity for the game -- wind resistance and all that. Women are pretty gullible sometimes.
Finishing up in winter, Earp and his rainbow scarfed tennis lady friend reclaims the child from Bundy. Sure, she's had some fun on the court and the kid's spent some time... with Bundy, but they always come back to Earp. No one can resist a 'stash of such power, majesty and magnitude, especially when mated with such an impressive butt-chin. In their quilted jackets, they are prepared to push forward. And perhaps, one day, escape to the eighties.
Now it's time to say goodbye to all the fashion pains we have witnessed today. Remember them. For those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. Please, God, let's not repeat it!
-Uncle Walter
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